When you’re initiating divorce, the unfolding of events is often unpredictable. Divorces are more often initiated by women, but that’s not to say they are the only ones. Men who initiate divorce are often making the conscious decision to go at the steps alone. While this is not always the case, it is more likely. While keeping to yourself can be the obvious choice when dealing with something so personal, it isn’t the only option. On the other hand, women are often more likely to ask for help and seek advice. In doing this, making a decision and delivering a clear message can become easier. So, we’ve designed a list of things to consider and to keep in my mind as you ponder the idea of separating from your spouse. But this one, is primarily for the men.
Initiating Divorce: A Guide for Men
Be absolutely sure
While this seems obvious, it really isn’t so black and white. Tough times are hard to weather and can often cloud the way that you and your spouse feel about each other. Not to mention, how you treat each other. Ask yourself, is this a rough patch or the end of an era? Have you gone through a recent loss? Whether it be a job, a person, a home, a financial security— all of these things can test the foundation of a marriage and make you question. Before you decide that divorce is the answer, take the time to consider what brought you both to this point and if it is only temporary.
Be on the same page with your spouse before uttering those words
It is not uncommon that the spouse on the other side of the divorce will feel blindsided by the decision. In doing so, you risk the integrity of this whole situation. You are still a spouse to this person. That means making decisions that are beneficial to the individual and the group. If you are having doubts in your marriage, go to your spouse. If the issue is fixable, or you want to give it a try— you cannot be above the idea of counseling. Depending on what led to this moment in your marriage, you have to get serious with yourself and your spouse about where you feel you should go from here. Ultimately, there is no shame in saying that the problem cannot be fixed if it truly cannot be fixed.
Withholding bitterness can help you to heal
Whether you decide to reconcile or continue with initiating divorce, being bitter will only breed negativity into an already negative situation. There is no telling what has brought about the divorce for you two. But chances are you might feel nasty and angry about it— separating your anger from the problem at hand will help you keep a clearer head and solve whichever set of issues you are choosing to solve. No matter your choice, healing is now the objective. Whether that healing is in your marriage or in yourself, letting go of those feelings and taking steps forward will be incredibly therapeutic.
Protect your own heart
I know this one sounds cheesy, but the way you feel is just as important as your spouse and their feelings. Initiating divorce can be a really tough decision to make. While we advise taking your time with it and running through your other options— sometimes the risk outweighs reward. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Every now and then you have to make the decision to put what you need first.