If your spouse has just come out to you — I’m sure you have a ton of questions and concerns going through your mind. From, how long have they known about their sexuality? To, do they want a divorce? And, do I want a divorce? This is uncharted territory, and however you are feeling, is completely understandable and justified. Whether it be anger, sorrow, or confusion— you are entitled to not understand just quite yet.
My Spouse Came Out: Coming to Terms with Their Sexuality
Chances are, you don’t know how to react to this news. Ultimately, no one really expects to have to go through this. You’re left with a million questions, emotions, and insecurities. We’re here to tell you that these things are justified. When it comes down to it, while this is hard for you— it is also extremely difficult for your spouse as well.
Typically when they finally come out to you, they have been battling with this for quite some time. The idea of what society expects of them, and their conflicting feelings have probably been boiling up inside them for quite some time. This is not to say that you are not entitled to anger and hurt, but understand that they are probably feeling some sort of shame and sorrow as well. This isn’t easy for anyone
What did I do wrong?
Asking yourself this is inevitable, but understand that this is not according to something you did, or said, or how you acted. Their sexual preference, while it might not be what you thought it was— but it is entirely dependent on them. You are not at fault, you are not less of a man or woman, and you are not going to ‘fix’ or change their choice. Their coming out is not something you can change, and their sexuality is not your wrongdoing.
Why Now?
I’m sure there is this question as well, especially if you have children. Why now? What brought this up? Chances are, as we said, that they have been battling with their sexuality and trying to suppress it for some time. They probably felt as if they had a role to fulfill, a part to play, and a spouse to take care of. Either men or women, there are certain things we feel as if we should do to play our role in the family and in society. They’ve felt this as much as you do, it just tucked a different part of them away until now.
What Can I Do?
You can choose to do a number of things. You must start with where you want to go from here, and where they want to go as well. Do they want to stay together until the kids are gone? Do they want to be with a partner that fits their preference? What can I do starts with where your emotions lie, for the both of you. This is completely unprecedented for you. Don’t shrink away from it, just decide what is appropriate to make both of you happy and help your children make sense of it all.
Support Each Other
While this might seem difficult, and you might harbor anger— understand that this is not a typical rough patch for couples. They did not confide in you to hurt you, they came to you because they need your help and support. They need you to understand so that they can understand. Take your time, be angry, ask questions, find your peace. Then, when you’re beginning to come to terms with it— find ways to support each other.
You are still each others partner, and you are still each others safe place. While your sexual relationship is in a different zone, you have to rely on one another to make sense of all of this. This is not the end of your relationship, just a modification if it. It will take some time, and some growing pains. But, with time and understanding, you will get to a good place again. We wish you luck in this time of change.