Being a child of divorce is inevitably difficult. You’re kind of thrown into this situation that you never signed up for, and you often find yourself making some pretty adult decisions before becoming an adult. When you have divorcing parents, it can be easy to feel a little bit lost in the mix. After all, you didn’t sign up for this. As a child of divorce myself, there are plenty of things that I’ve come to reflect on over the years.
Divorcing Parents: What a Child of Divorce Wishes They Knew
My parents divorced in the mid nineties, shortly after my being born. Being that I was so young, I practically can’t even imagine a time when my parents were lovingly together. The only memories I have is of pick ups, drop offs, and ill words uttered on one end and not the other. As a child of divorce, there are plenty of things that I wish they had done differently. No divorcing parent means to make things harder for their children. But, through the process and the anger, it becomes extremely easy to protect that ill will, and force your child to make a decision without even knowing it.
That I didn’t have to choose
One of the hardest things to do as a divorcing parent is to put your bias aside and let your child have a fulfilling relationship with both parents. In my case, I found that one parent more than the other, would share stories of ill-will, anger, fights, and negative happenings. While my parent was quite obviously just purging these bad memories, and having a conversation with me— it was inappropriate. At the time, as an adolescent, I did not consider that there were two sides to a story, or that their sharing the story at all was wrong. Instead, I began to form a dislike towards that other parent— leading to my isolating them from my life.
You made a commitment to me, and my needs
As divorcing parents, you have to make a conscious, selfless decision to put your child at the center of your post-divorce life. Sure, you might feel as if you have earned the right to your child’s time, growing up, and holidays. But, you made a commitment when you had a child together. You made a commitment to being selfless when it comes to giving me the benefit of having two parents, no matter how you felt about them. Therefore, by swaying my opinions when I didn’t know better, you were not honoring that commitment.
Your creating a narrative that does not involve me
The relationship you had before bringing me into this world does not affect me. When you bring a child into the world, you have to make selfless decisions even in difficult, and emotional times. One of the biggest struggles for me, personally, growing up, was holidays. Even to this day, holidays bring me more anxiety than they do a holly jolly good time. To me, growing up, it was always a time when one parent (always the same one) was disappointed. Even as an adult, I cannot think of one single Christmas spent with a certain parent. While this is a shameful thing for me to consider, it’s also an infuriating thing to consider.
As a child who was told very adult things from a young age, I developed a disposition towards one parent that was reinforced by the other. In turn, the relationships were as weak as my one parent had hoped. Furthermore, I was practically non-bonding until I reached an age where I could reflect and make the right choice.
Divorcing parents, or divorced parents, don’t have it easy
What you’re going through, or what you have been through, is extremely difficult. Especially when there are children involved, a divorce can feel frightening, emotional, and like something you need to protect your child from. For these reasons, among many others, it can be easy to do things that become toxic to your children. The thing you need to remember is that you are a parent first, and a divorcee second. By prioritizing these two things in a 1, 2 order, you can remind yourself to leave the politics out of it.
Your experience with your ex might have been negative, and messy in the end. However, your child is not a part of this. Instead, they are the one inherently positive thing to come out of it all. Honor that by allowing your child to have two cooperating co-parents.